Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
