remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
