Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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