I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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