Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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