We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
