Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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