I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
