Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
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