There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
