If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
