I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm like, not good at living.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
