There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
