he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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