if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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