I heard we made out
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
