I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
