Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize