That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
