My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
