made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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