i need an iv and a liver transplant
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
