I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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