I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
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Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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