Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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