nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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