4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
