someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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