I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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