i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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