I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
