do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
my liver is dry heaving
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
