meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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