Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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