How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
