the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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