I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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