I think my vagina is haunted
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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