I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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