I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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