I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
