the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I didn't notice because vodka
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
