Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
