just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
