I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
