I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
