I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
