i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
