Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
