no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
