are you so shy because you have an std?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
