Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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