A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
