you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Found your dick twin last night
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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