If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
