non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
