just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
