I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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