Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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