i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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