I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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