she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
